So what keeps us from being vulnerable? Brene Brown says it is shame. She defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” It is the fear of being disconnected.

In organizations shame comes out when people are too scared to share an idea, be innovative, provide feedback, or speak to a client. People are worried about being wrong, being belittled, or feeling less than. 

She says that the way to move out of shame is to develop shame resilience. She says that shame resilience is being authentic about how we are feeling, moving through that experience, and coming out on the other side with more compassion and courage than when we went into it. It is moving from shame to empathy as sharing the shame with someone who can empathize with you is really the key healer of shame. She says that there are four elements to developing shame resilience:

• Recognizing shame and understanding its triggers - can you feel in your body when you are experiencing shame? Can you determine what messages triggered that feeling? 
  
• Practicing critical awareness - can you become self-aware enough to understand what messages are driving your shame and ask whether they are true or not?
  
• Reaching out - are you owning your story and sharing it with others in order to experience the empathy?
  
• Speaking shame - are you talking about how you feel and asking for the support you need through the process?
  

Shame resilience is a way of protecting connection to self and to others, but often when we experience shame our emotions take over and we end up in fight or flight mode. We hide, withdraw, seek to appease, or be aggressive as a way to disconnect from the shame. She says the way to stay in connection is to:

• Practice courage and reach out - instead of withdrawing reach out to someone and share your experience.
  
• Talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone you love - empathize with yourself.
  
• Own the story - don’t bury it and let it fester.
  

We also have to learn to be empathetic with others in order to help them out of their shame. It can be a practice to support others, listen to others, and encourage others to see their shame and let it go. It is turning towards others that sets them and us free in the end. It is supporting each other through the shame and allowing vulnerability which is truly courageous both inside and outside the workplace.

Are you speaking your shame in your organization? Are you supporting people through their shame by encouraging them, inviting a risk-taking environment (e.g. - allowing failure), and staying open to feedback? These are all things that will build a culture of creativity and innovation in your organization so begin to lean into shame resiliency today.

Have you seen the Ted Talk by Brene Brown? I recently saw it (as well as her interview on Oprah) and was floored by the topic. I immediately bought the book “Daring Greatly” and had to share it with you. It is about showing up courageously (with your whole heart) and being vulnerable. 

As a leader what does that mean for you? It means rehumanizing work so that people stay engaged, feedback is open, the purpose of the work people do is clear, and that employees are not fearful of change (or adapting to rapidly shifting environments). It is allowing for failure in an organization without putting shame on people so that creativity and innovation can thrive. It is leaning into inspired leadership (or showing through your actions engaging work styles rather than just through what you say). It is about showing up and allowing people to thrive and not just survive in your organization.

She says in the first chapter we need to examine what we are up against as leaders in order to get to this place of rehumanizing the work place. She says we are currently in a culture of “Never Enough.” She says this comes from scarcity or a pervasive feeling of lack (e.g. - lack of time to get every thing done, lack of money, lack of abundance, lack of opportunity when the economy is in recession, lack of safety).  She continues to say that we spend an inordinate amount of time comparing ourselves (or our organizations) to others  based upon a fictional account of how great we think they are creating a sense of scarcity.

She says it also comes from the major shifts the country has gone through since 9/11 (wars, recession, a natural disasters, an increase in random violence) which has traumatized us as a culture. She says “worrying about scarcity is our culture’s version of post-traumatic stress,” and rather than coming together to heal we are left angry and scared.

She says the three components of scarcity that are influencing our culture:

• Shame - are we tying self-worth to achievement, productivity, or compliance?
  
• Comparison - are we constantly comparing and ranking? Are we stifling creativity?
  
• Disengagement - are people afraid to take risks?
  

She says the opposite of scarcity is enough or Wholeheartedness. At the core this is vulnerability or worthiness, facing uncertainty, exposure, emotional risks and knowing that I am enough.

Are you leading from a place of scarcity? Would you answer yes to any of the questions above about the three components of scarcity? Is your organization functioning from a place of lack? If so, keep reading the next blog posts to find out how you can shift that culture.

Dr. Cloud finalizes his book “Necessary Endings” by talking about how to tackle internal and external barriers or resistance to change. Here are a few resistance factors:

• Incompatible wishes - wishes which go against each other. Maturity comes with the ability to let go of one wish in order to have another.
  
• No attachment to a certain outcome - you have to be able to face losing some things you might want in order to be free to do the right thing.
  
• Medicating thoughts - numbing the anxiety of making a decision or parting with something they are attached to.
  
• The paradox of “whole-vision” - this is the maturity needed to know when to remain invested in a relationship and when to let go of it by seeing the whole picture (positives and negatives).
  
• External resisters such as self-absorbed resisters, threatened resisters, the NoNos - these are all people outside of you (e.g. - in your business or your personal life) who are resisting the change you want to make
  

Even by getting past the resistance factors change is hard so know that endings are difficult to do and it will be bumpy ride. Feel the grief that comes with the ending. It is a natural process and you are often grieving the investment you made into that person, idea, or object. If you don’t feel the feelings with letting something go then you will remain tethered to it in some way.

So how do you sustain the ability to make a change? If you don’t make changes that a necessary Dr. Cloud says that you begin to get depleted. Noticing that your emotions, finances, relationships, etc are getting depleted will allow you to get the motivation to change.

Overall making necessary endings is all about creating the future that you so desire. It takes courage, commitment, and a vision to move to the place that you want to be. So what do you have to have the courage to let go of in order to create the next step that you so desire? What are you willing to let to go to chase your dream?
Wednesday, June 13, 2012

 
 

Betsy Myers’ book “Take the Lead” continues discussing major leadership traits with the following four components:

Clarity - Betsy Myers says creating a compelling vision that everyone in the organization can rally around is a key quality in good leaders. She says during Obama’s first presidential campaign the rallying cry was “Winning Iowa.” Knowing that vision all of the volunteers working on the campaign could then make decisions about every action they were taking - was it working towards that goal or not? When leaders provide clarity they provide a path for success for everyone following them, especially when they are able to communicate that vision effectively.

Collaboration - Ms. Myers says that the best solutions and lessons often come from seeking out differing perspectives than your own. A great leader is confident enough in themselves to ask for other’s opinions, knowing that they won’t always agree with his own. True collaboration means getting buy in from others in your organization, vendors, and customers. It means truly communicating what is going on in the organization even when it is tough (e.g. - during lay offs and restructuring). It is knowing that doing things together is what really pays off in the end rather than being a lone soldier.

Learning - a good leader is one who is continually learning and growing in order to become and remain a master in their field. She discusses Captain Sullenberger and how he landed the plane in the Hudson River in New York and saved so many lives as a result. When talking about it later he said it was because he had trained his whole life for this by continually learning about his trade and his field. She says you can also do this by getting mentors or being a mentor to others so that you are always learning.

Courage - finally Ms. Myers says the last trait of a great leader is Courage. “Courage is about pushing through our fears to live our most authentic life and do what we believe is right.” To live courageously takes a willingness to take risks, to try new things, and to go after what you are truly passionate about in life. It is about following your heart and demanding excellence in yourself and others. 

Are you putting these qualities and traits to use in your organization? I truly believe that these are important qualities for a leader to possess in order to be successful and have other people want to follow you. Which one of these traits can you practice in the next couple of weeks?