So how do we stop ourselves from being vulnerable? Brene Brown continues in Daring Greatly to say: by knowing and acting in ways congruent to believing that we are “enough.” She says that there are three major shields that we use to arm ourselves from vulnerability and she provides strategies to move past them:

• Foreboding Joy - she says this is almost a continuum of rehearsing tragedy to perpetual disappointment. Often people are in a joyful moment but then expect something bad to happen. It takes vulnerability to feel joy and just experience the moment as it is. She said that “joy is a spiritual way of engaging with the world that’s connected to practicing gratitude” so the way to lean into joy is gratitude. So whenever you feel yourself shutting down joy say what you are grateful to in that moment and stay vulnerable.
  
• Perfectionism - she defines it as “a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.” But she says that perfectionism actually is unattainable and feeds a cycle of shame and blame. She says the antidote is to it is appreciating the beauty of the cracks by having self-compassion and talking to ourselves as we would speak to others we care about. She says self-compassion has three elements of: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. 
  
• Numbing - she says the most powerful need for numbing seems to come from combinations of shame, anxiety, and disconnection. In order not to feel these feelings we often numb them through sugar, busyness, or the more extreme versions of addictions, depression, bullying, violence or suicide. She says the strategies people can use to deal with numbing are setting boundaries, finding true comfort, and cultivating spirit. This meant that people needed to lean into the uncomfortable emotions. It is valuing yourself enough to set time/emotion/commitment boundaries. It is also understanding why you do things (e.g. - do you eat chocolate for the sweetness or cram it in your face to numb an emotion).
  

While these are three top ways of avoiding vulnerability she says that there are some minor ways we use such as: 

• Viking or victim/trauma - (win/lose or succeed/fail mentality), which could could be changed by cultivating trust in relationships
  
• Letting it all hang out/floodlighting - meaning that you overshare which can push people away and the way to change this is to set appropriate boundaries
  
• Smash and grab (oversharing for attention) - and the way to change this is question people’s intentions
  
• Zigzagging away from it - which is changed by being present and moving forward
  
• Being critical - which is shifted through shame resilience
  

Are you exhibiting any of these ways of avoiding vulnerability? If so how are they impacting your leadership style and your organization? 
 

So what keeps us from being vulnerable? Brene Brown says it is shame. She defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” It is the fear of being disconnected.

In organizations shame comes out when people are too scared to share an idea, be innovative, provide feedback, or speak to a client. People are worried about being wrong, being belittled, or feeling less than. 

She says that the way to move out of shame is to develop shame resilience. She says that shame resilience is being authentic about how we are feeling, moving through that experience, and coming out on the other side with more compassion and courage than when we went into it. It is moving from shame to empathy as sharing the shame with someone who can empathize with you is really the key healer of shame. She says that there are four elements to developing shame resilience:

• Recognizing shame and understanding its triggers - can you feel in your body when you are experiencing shame? Can you determine what messages triggered that feeling? 
  
• Practicing critical awareness - can you become self-aware enough to understand what messages are driving your shame and ask whether they are true or not?
  
• Reaching out - are you owning your story and sharing it with others in order to experience the empathy?
  
• Speaking shame - are you talking about how you feel and asking for the support you need through the process?
  

Shame resilience is a way of protecting connection to self and to others, but often when we experience shame our emotions take over and we end up in fight or flight mode. We hide, withdraw, seek to appease, or be aggressive as a way to disconnect from the shame. She says the way to stay in connection is to:

• Practice courage and reach out - instead of withdrawing reach out to someone and share your experience.
  
• Talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone you love - empathize with yourself.
  
• Own the story - don’t bury it and let it fester.
  

We also have to learn to be empathetic with others in order to help them out of their shame. It can be a practice to support others, listen to others, and encourage others to see their shame and let it go. It is turning towards others that sets them and us free in the end. It is supporting each other through the shame and allowing vulnerability which is truly courageous both inside and outside the workplace.

Are you speaking your shame in your organization? Are you supporting people through their shame by encouraging them, inviting a risk-taking environment (e.g. - allowing failure), and staying open to feedback? These are all things that will build a culture of creativity and innovation in your organization so begin to lean into shame resiliency today.

In Chapter Two Brene Brown continues by discussing some of the myths about vulnerability that fuel scarcity. She says courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen. She says the myths are:

• Myth #1 - “Vulnerability is weakness” - she defines vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. To feel is to be vulnerable and to believe that feeling is a weakness cuts us off from everything that gives purpose and meaning to living, such as love, creativity, belonging, and joy. When we cut off vulnerability it can often lead to judgment and criticism. She says that “vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage” which aren’t comfortable but are not weaknesses. The willingness to show up changes us and gives us more courage each time.
  
• Myth #2 - “I Don’t Do Vulnerability” - even when we don’t think that we do vulnerability, it does us. She says, “Experiencing vulnerability isn’t a choice - the only choice we have is how we’re going to respond when we are confronted with uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” We can show up by being scared, controlling, judgmental if we don’t do vulnerability which is often the antithesis of how we want to be.
  
• Myth #3 - “Vulnerability is Letting It All Hang Out” - Brown says that “vulnerability is based on mutuality and requires boundaries and trust. It is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them.” Trust is built through little moments of engaging in the relationship and showing up. It is being there for others in ways that show that you care, are paying attention, and are investing in them. Trust can be betrayed, however, through disengaging from the relationship in little ways which begins to erode trust.
  
• Myth #4 - “We Can Go It Alone” - She says in her other book The Gifts of Imperfection, “Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help.” She continues that “we simply can’t learn to be more vulnerable and courageous on our own. Sometimes our first and greatest dare is asking for support.”
  

Are you hanging on to any of these myths? If so, how is it impacting your leadership style or your organization?