“Necessary Endings” Review 2

Dr. Cloud continues his discussion in Necessary Endings by describing the the state of being stuck or when we are not able to make endings a natural process. He says that creating an ending may cause some hurt, but it is good pain because it gets you to a whole other level. It can be bad, however, when we get used to the pain and it becomes our new normal. Pain is a signal that something is wrong and action is required. Dr. Cloud suggests that people stay in this pain when they are taking actions of learned helplessness based upon their internal maps. 

He says that there are five types of internal maps:

• Having an abnormally high pain threshold - putting up with too much “stuckness”
  
• Covering for others - taking on too much responsibility for others
  
• Believing that ending it means I failed - feeling like you need to persevere through everything
  
• Misunderstood loyalty - still feeling loyal to someone even when you have outgrown them
  
• •Codependent mapping - feeling responsible for another person’s pain when the enabling is ended.
  

Our psychological mapping can influence the way we handle things especially endings.  If you have one of these mappings Dr. Cloud says that we can grow past these internal mappings by getting in touch with reality. It is often through the awareness of hopelessness which finally brings people to the reality of the pruning moment.

The first step he says that will motivate you to do what is necessary is recognizing that what you are doing has no hope of getting what you want. So hopelessness gets us near to a place of fearlessness and out of the place of just wishing things would change, but still doing the same thing (e.g. - the definition of insanity).

So how do you know if you are just wishing for something or that there is real hope that it will change? Dr. Cloud says the past is the best predictor. So how do you know if you can trust someone? Again he says focus on what they have done in the past and that will let you know about their integrity and character. But know that they can change if they are involved in a change process, have some structure around that change process (e.g. - coach, mentor, seminar), have some way to monitor these changes, support, and some success. Finally there also has to be some energy to change.

So are you facing your reality right now? Are you seeing things as they truly are or are you still seeing them out of a glass of hope? If so what internal mappings are you holding on to? What sorts of things will help you to internalize the change and want to move on?